As told to Jamila Bentley
Donald and Helen Govan have been happily married for 69 years, which is not a milestone of any kind you see every day. Despite naysayers predicting that their marriage would not last, the Govans are a testimony of what can happen when a couple consistently demonstrates commitment to Christ, to each other, and to unconditional love. They will celebrate 70 years of marriage in June 2019, and in their words they are “still kicking – not too high – but still kicking.” Here is a look at their journey, as well as some lessons along the way…
How They Met
Donald and Helen grew up in Wichita and Chetopa, Kansas. They lived fairly close together and even attended the same school. Donald delivered newspapers to Helen’s family, and their families participated in several of the same clubs and organizations. They interacted with each other although they were not close friends. When Donald was 10, he saw her hula dancing and told his mother they would marry. His prediction came true 10 years later.
Helen initially had her eyes on Donald’s friend, but her mother thought Donald was respectful and urged her to go out with him instead. Helen eventually allowed him to take her out to the movies.
Afterwards they continued to date although she was not committed at first. She even had him doing her homework for her while she went out with a different young man. Still, Donald was confident and knew that he wanted her. Her girlfriend finally told her, “He really likes you; you should stop being so mean to him.” Ultimately, Helen began to recognize and value his kindness and generosity. She also noted that she wanted a handsome husband who was loved and respected like her father. Now she says, “I did good!” Helen’s maiden name is King, and her father told her Donald made her a Queen.
Early Married Life
Donald proposed several times during their courtship. They finally married when Donald was 20, and Helen was 17. They had to get permission to marry because of their age. Her mother wanted her to go to college so she was initially upset, especially since Helen was already pregnant. Helen graduated at the top of her high schoolclassin May and married in June.
Life moved fast after they married. They had 8 children during the first 10 years although Donald wanted 12. Even though Donald was in school during this time and worked two jobs so that Helen could stay home with the children, she could depend upon him to help, exclaiming “We were a real team – and still are!” Once their last child was in school, he pushed her to finish her college degree. They both graduated from Tabor College. Donald earned a degree in Business and Finance; Helen’s degree was in Business and Social Work.
Handling Disagreements
Helen moved home three times during the early years of their marriage. The fights seemed to coincide with when she had a baby. Helen’s aunt lived in their neighborhood and would encourage them to work out their issues, and Donald’s mother did the same. They loved each other even when they were angry with each other.
Helen recalled one fight they had when Donald was leaving for work. She told him, “Goodbye, and don’t come back!” He grabbed his clothes and said, “I won’t!” But that time, as always, they would make up. He would call her from his lunch break, forgetting he was upset with her, and they would communicate like normal.
Family Support Is Essential
Both Donald’s and Helen’s parents were married until death parted them. Helen’s parents always taught her that there is no such things as divorce, and marriage is a commitment for life. She learned that “things aren’t always rosy, but you have to love each other regardless of whether you’re angry, sick, or don’t have enough money.“
The couple attributes some of their longevity to family support and believes it is important to know each other’s family. They had many extended family members living near them who provided spiritual and emotional support, at times solely by their presence. They believe the church can help couples, but family, especially if they know the Lord, is critical.
Jesus is the Glue that keeps the Two
At first, the Govans had denominational differences. He was Baptist, and she was Episcopalian. His church scared her because it was “so noisy.” One day a man led Donald to Christ on his job, and he came home and shared Christ with her as well.
Their budding relationship with Christ gave them a better understanding of marriage and its purpose. They believe marriage is not 50/50, but 100/100, and Helen noted that “Jesus didn’t go halfway to the cross and expect us to go the rest of the way. It’s not always easy, but you will feel better and be happier if you give the person your love and not expect anything in return. That’s true love. But when you start counting, it won’t work.” Their spats during the first three years were centered around measuring who did what, but they gradually began to give selflessly and to avoid pushing each other’s buttons. If they got mad at each other, they got over it quickly by walking away, regrouping and not dwelling on anything negative. Helen still prays for wisdom and strength to love her husband without expectations.
They began compromising and working through their differences more effectively. Donald goes to bed early, and Helen is a night owl, but sometimes she will go to bed early to please him, and he stopped harping on her when she did not. If they have a decision to make, Helen will give him an idea, but also lets him know that she will support his decision. Helen wants him to be “the man – he’s in charge” and does not want to usurp his God-given authority.
Growing Through Different Seasons of Life Together
Life for the couple has changed, getting better at times and worse at others, but their unwavering commitment has held them together. Now, one has difficulty walking, so the other walks for both of them. One has a hard time seeing, so the other provides vision for them both. They believe God puts two people together to balance each other out. They lift each other up when they are down and work together as a team.
The Govans kiss every night before bed. He brings her gifts, and she does the same for him. They believe “it’s the little things” they do without having to be asked that count over time. They snuggle in the bed. They still have sex, “not all the time, but a lot of the time.”
The couple have a family legacy of 8 children (all still living except for one who died in a plane crash), 14 grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren.
Advice For Younger Couples
The Govans learned about marriage as they went, and love sharing the lessons they learned with other couples. Donald pastored for about 50 years at Grace Bible Chapel, and Helen was right by his side as his first lady in every sense of the word. They still provide marital counseling to couples in need. They both became social workers during their working years and currently act as consultants. Donald is 90 and “should be retired,” but the demand is still there for their wisdom and direction.
They recalled traveling on a cross-state drive with a Christian couple who argued the entire way. Helen said the couple was essentially agreeing with each other, but each person was so set on getting their own way they could not perceive their commonalities. Unfortunately, the couple eventually separated, even though they had been married for many years.
The Govans want to see marriages prosper and have collected much wisdom over their 69 years together. Some of their most important suggestions for couples include the following:
- Wait until you marry to have sex. It is more fun to learn and experiment together.
- Marry someone after you know their family.
- Marry someone who knows Jesus Christ and is trying to live for Christ.
- Trust each other. Don’t let others get in between you and introduce doubt.
- Consistently demonstrate commitment to God and to each other.
- Love each other completely without measurement or expectation.
The Govans are a wonderful example of how godly love between one man and one woman can grow to become more beautiful over a lifetime. Two are truly better than one.
